Buckle up folks, it’s about to go off the rails here!
So, when I became a mom…or, wait…back up. When I found out I was pregnant everything changed. Two pink lines can change a lot more than I ever expected. Every time I say that having kids changed me I feel compelled to assure anyone that it was all in good ways and I’m so thankful – as though if I don’t provide this reassurance people will automatically assume I don’t appreciate my kids or that I somehow regret having them, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
The truth is that when I got pregnant (and maybe other moms and parents can relate to this) I put myself on the sidelines. All of a sudden these two little beings that I was growing became the centre of my whole universe. Everything I ate or drank I had them in mind, the positions I slept in or even the podcasts I was listening to for goodness sake. (I stopped listening to so much gruesome true crime while pregnant because I was afraid that my unborn babies would somehow hear the stories….wild, I’m aware).
Since then I’ve tried to explain to myself (and others, I guess) the changes that having kids has made to my identity and where I fit now. If I were to indulge in a (probably overdramatic) analogy for how it feels to become a mom, especially a stay-at-home mom, I would say it feels like being on one side of a two-way mirror. The whole world is happening on one side while you’re standing still on the other. You can see it all happening and you can see it changing but you’re in a little bubble that revolves around the tiny humans you’ve brought into the world.
Sometimes it’s so easy to forget that the world keeps spinning outside of the perimeter of my living room aka baby jail. Now, I don’t mean that I suddenly stopped looking after myself or seeing myself as a person that has needs. I do, however, mean that especially early on it’s really easy to hitch your entire identity to being a mom and you can forget everything that made you a whole complete person before them. Often I’ve found myself thinking ‘what did I ever even talk about before having kids…what did I ever have to say?’.
Socially, after you have kids, you’re seen as “the mom”. You aren’t invited to things as much because there’s the assumption that you obviously have more important things to be doing like raising your kids. All anyone wants to talk to you about is your kids, which I mean, I can’t really blame anyone for since it’s what takes up 99% of every single day for me. You don’t have the time to pay too much attention to the outside world because all of your attention is pointed inwards and most days it feels like there is simultaneously not enough or too many hours in the day. Too many hours spent without any adult interaction or conversation, not enough hours to get everything you wanted or needed done all the way from house chores to just trying to finish that one god damn chapter of the book you’ve restarted 8 times this week because you keep forgetting what happened (just me? Ok cool.)
Now, all of this said, I’ve come to realize that it’s going to be important for me moving forward to point some of my energy outwards. This (being at home with the babies) will be my reality for the foreseeable future until the twins go to school, I guess, at which point I’ll be shot back into the “real world” and can spiral all over again.
I started this blog with the intention of talking about my experience with motherhood and all the trials and tribulations that go along with it and I’m still interested in doing that because I think it’s very important to talk about those things. But, I also think it’s important that I talk about other things too, because being a mom isn’t all there is to me. I have interests and hobbies…or at least I did at one point. I guess what I’m saying is I think I’m going to spend a bit more time on this blog trying to tell my whole story because, otherwise, what’s the point. I don’t want to read another checklist on must have baby items or what my daily mom routine looks like so why would I expect anyone else to be interested in that?
The truth is, I’m getting bored of talking about “mom things” all the time, I admit it.
There’s more to me than just being a mom – I just have to figure out what that means again. I used to be interesting I SWEAR.