Yikes, it’s been a minute since I wrote a post I’m just now realizing! Why did no fellow moms warn me that once the boys started walking my amount of spare time would plummet into oblivion?
(That’s a pure lie. Literally every single mom I came across would tell me once they walk it’s game over and then give me this ominous look like they could see into my future and they were worried for me.)
Since we’re all here now, let’s discuss how things have been going. To be honest, they’ve been dicey lately. I’m starting to now realize that motherhood is a long series of peaks and valleys. There will be a stretch of time that I think and feel like I am just crushing it and then there will be periods of time that I feel like I’m drowning. The past few weeks it’s felt a bit like drowning. In fairness, that has little to do with the twins and more to do with me. It’s a me problem… if you will.
What’s tough about being a stay at home mom (besides…everything) is that when you feel like you’re failing the proof is right in front of your face 24/7. A few weeks ago I didn’t do laundry all week…and I’m just now catching up from that. If you don’t clean up the floor after the category 8 hurricane (is that a thing?) that is a meal time with toddlers EVERY SINGLE TIME – I promise your house will be infested with fruit flies in no time. Babies/toddlers DO NOT CARE about your schedule – they just keep on keeping on until you’re so far behind on everything that you don’t even know where to begin catching up.
I’m a person that I would say classifies as “goal-oriented”. I like setting goal posts and then hitting them, it’s how I quantify success. With motherhood… there aren’t really any goal posts or at least the goal post is like 18 years from now where I cross my fingers and hope I didn’t raise a serial killer I guess? Early days when the twins were first born I would make to-do lists with all the house chores, all the baby things that needed to be done etc. I loved checking things off one at a time and I found such joy in accomplishing those small tasks. But after a while… those things are just things. The amount of joy you get from completing house chores dwindles. You get less satisfaction from managing to get a hot meal on the table after being in baby jail all day when you do it for the 400th day in a row. So I guess I’ve struggled over time to figure out what counts as success when you’re a mom.
Not too long ago someone told me that I make having twins look easy. I smiled and thanked them but in my head I can remember thinking “oh lady you have no clue how much I suck at this sometimes” and then did a mental list of all the things I hadn’t done that week and so began my internal shame spiral.
My next thought after that was “Hollie, stop, you’re being ridiculous”. (Is it just me or when you become a mom do you start having WAY more internal dialogue…in the third person?) . Just because I don’t have these tangible goals that I can set and achieve doesn’t mean I’m not succeeding. Just because I struggle sometimes doesn’t mean I’m failing. I’m finding that the more I can embrace the fact that there will be periods of time where I have a harder time than others, the easier I am on myself. I try to give myself perspective by asking myself what I would say if I was giving advice to another mom. Would I tell her to shame spiral herself until she could hardly see straight? No. So why do I do that to myself.
We’re all fighting an uphill battle most days, even if it is behind a big fat smile and some super fake “look at my perfect life” Instagram photos.
So yeah….anyways…. nice weather we’re having lately am I right?