Long time no chat! We went away on our first ever holiday since the twins were born this past week and to say it was a rollercoaster of feels would be an understatement.
Prior to this I hadn’t been apart from the babies for longer than 6 hours (one time) throughout their entire first year. That’s healthy right? As much as to say it now seems crazy – during the year it just felt like time passed so quickly I didn’t even realize it.
Leading up I was so nervous. I was nervous about how I would feel, I was worried that the fact that I was nervous was going to ruin our holiday because I would be so preoccupied and absent, I was nervous for the guilt. And trust, the guilt came, but it was different than what I expected it to be. I had prepared myself to feel guilty for leaving them, for not being with them and for missing any time with them. That…did not turn out to be the case.
We left the boys in safe grandparent hands, I wasn’t worried about their wellbeing at all. Leaving the house was the hardest part as they cried “mamamama” (if you want to know what the sound of heartbreak is – that’s it). Once we got going, it was surprisingly easy. Settling into a 4.5 hour drive out to the coast – which involved mostly talking about the babies, granted – was amazing. From there forward it was the most unexpected things that made a break so relaxing and rejuvenating.
Not having to pack enough for the ninth army every single time we left the house – was awesome.
Not having to carry anything or push anything and just being able to walk through the town and on the beach – was awesome.
Not having to listen to the white noise machine through a baby monitor every night and just have the silence of the forest around us – was awesome. (It’s truly shocking how much that noise pollution impacts your brain)
Being able to have complete & uninterrupted cups of coffee and conversations – was awesome.
With all of the things we found awesome, came the guilt. The guilt that I should be missing them more. But then, I realized that there’s no room for guilt in my life at the moment. I shouldn’t have to feel badly for enjoying some alone time and some down time since our life got thrown into the hurricane that is having twin babies.
It’s truly easy to slide into feeling that you aren’t anything or anyone without your babies – that’s where my mind was at. I didn’t even know how to be a person without them anymore and that scared me! Then we went away and all at once I remembered. My identity is firmly wrapped around being a mom right now, and that’s ok, but I think those moments where you can have time to remember that you were a complete individual before you had them are so deeply important (I didn’t even recognize how important until now).
No job in the world is 24/7, no days off, except parenthood. It’s constant and it’s all consuming (as it should be). This break was a great reminder that I’m important too and making sure to nurture myself is just as crucial as nurturing our boys – and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that.