I don’t think I knew I would ever write that, because a lot of days I honestly don’t feel that way. I’m very quick to be hard on myself but that’s a personal issue that I’ll deal with later, probably.
The day we found out I was pregnant, my world shifted. Then we found out we were having twins and everything got flipped upside down. Since then it’s been a steady stream of absolute chaos and sometimes it’s easy for me to get sucked into that – and I think it’s about time I take a second to appreciate the absolutely crazy amazing ways having twins changed me as a person.
Before I carried them for 9 months I never knew what I was capable of. I never knew the strength my body held and what it could go through. I didn’t know I could be so violently sick for so long and yet keep the mindset that I was doing it and going through it for a greater reason than myself. That’s wild. I had no clue that I could go into the day I gave birth after having such intense fear of childbirth for my entire life and be absolutely calm. A calmness that came from, again, understanding that this was some higher purpose shit.
I never knew I could be so patient. Since having them believe me my patience has been TESTED straight to the limit and then it gets pushed even further. Because of that I’ve grown to be a person that is able to appreciate the moment a little bit more and understand that everything is temporary. When I get pushed to the edge I know that the moments of struggle will pass and eventually it will be easier again.
I’ve learned to prioritize my life and my time because of them. There’s something about having children (and for those who don’t have kids I’m positive there are other triggers besides this that give the same results) that completely uprooted me. It made me evaluate what was important because all of a sudden nothing mattered more to me in the entire universe than them and my family. I no longer felt a need to try to be anything I wasn’t to anyone because in the end the only thing I really care to be is authentically myself for them. I don’t need to pretend to be someone else or emulate someone else or do things someone else is doing.
I became a WAY better multi-tasker. Most things I can do with one hand now, which is a nice skill to have and I can do more than I ever thought possible with a tiny human screaming at my face.
I let go of a lot of emotional baggage because of them. I no longer had room in my life to carry heavy feelings about things that ultimately weren’t serving me any great purpose. I had to let go of so many things to make room for the amount of space these two now take up (besides just in my living room).
I’ve said it before but all I ever wanted from doing a blog was to have an outlet to be completely 100% myself while I get to I guess document my journey (ugh I hate that I called it a journey, what am I). Maybe it will be cool to look back at one day and see my growth. Or it’ll be super embarrassing. Time will tell…. (probably embarrassing). I’m not trying to impress anyone or be something I’m not. Sometimes I have bad days and those have to be ok to talk about. That doesn’t mean I’m not ok or that I’m suffering – it just means that sometimes motherhood is a little bit ugly it turns out and I don’t want to pretend like it isn’t!
Having twins has been the hardest, most trying, most absolutely insane hard left I could have ever imagined my life taking. I wouldn’t change it for a single second and it made me a better person than I was before I knew them.