In Pursuit of a Quiet Mind

To start off with, I’ve always been a person that I myself would describe as an “over-thinker”. I’ve had periods of my life that have been riddled with anxiety, low points, high points and throughout I can say that I’ve never had a shortage of over-analysis. I’m positive that I’m not alone in feeling that with the rise in technology and the ability to communicate so constantly my anxiety got worse. I’ve kept Derek up many nights just talking because I can’t keep the spiral locked inside my head and he just happens to be my constant outlet (easily one of the most patient humans alive). I go entire days sometimes where I do not speak to a human (aside from my infant children who provide very low quality conversation) until he gets home.

SIDE NOTE: This is honestly why it’s so incredibly important to have at least one other mom friend that you can vent your heart out to. Sometimes it’s honestly only another mom that understands where you are and you just need someone to listen. It takes a village… or something.

Once I got pregnant, all bets were off. I spent SO MUCH of my pregnancy constantly thinking something was wrong. Something wrong with me, one or both babies, it was a lot to deal with all of a sudden – compounded by the fact that I was SO SICK the whole time. I would intentionally poke my belly every single morning to wake both babies up just so I could feel them move around to give myself peace of mind (which I paid dearly for in the form of rib kicks and bladder squishing). Then there was the fear about childbirth, which I find to be an incredibly common fear especially when it’s your first time because you honestly can’t have any idea what it’s like until you go through it.

After the babies were born the anxiety tripled. I was worried about SIDS, I was worried about the fact that I was failing at breastfeeding and that the babies weren’t being properly nourished. I was worried about not being able to get them to sleep, I was worried about myself not getting any sleep, I was worried about how mind bendingly frustrated I would get in the middle of the night when they were screaming and we had no idea what to do. I was worried when they got sick for the first time, when they had their first fever, when they started teething and were in pain all the time.

The list could go on and on and honestly at a certain point it gets very redundant…because it’s everything. To constantly feel as though you have no idea what you’re doing but having these babies entirely dependent on you knowing what you’re doing is incredibly overwhelming and that’s not even touching on how much GUILT is associated with being a mom. I get asked a lot what the hardest part of having twins is and honestly – it’s the guilt. The guilt that I don’t get to fully enjoy each boy individually because my attention and time is constantly split between them makes me painfully guilty on a regular basis. The guilt that I don’t get to bring them to participate in as many “baby” things daily because I can’t handle both of them on my own in a lot of cases makes me guilty.

On top of everything it is SO HARD to be tired all the time. I get stopped constantly when I’m out with the twins and one of the #1 questions is “how much sleep are you getting” and the answer often is NOT A LOT.

Although, sometimes I like to give a super sassy answer like “oh, I actually don’t even need sleep anymore I’ve turned into a hybrid human that doesn’t need it anymore – pretty great timing with having twin babies”. That answer is not typically well received but I mean..I am who I am.

It’s not even a matter of having zero sleep I honestly think that would be better than what you get with twin babies (or really probably any babies but that’s my reality). What we get is intensely broken sleep – so we get a few hours at a time before they wake up again (usually only one will wake up but then a few hours later the other one will wake up so…TWINS). I have never experienced anything more frustrating than constantly being woken up right as you’re entering a sleep cycle because you get 0% quality sleep. I don’t know honestly if ‘tired’ is even the right word anymore – it’s more just that I can tell my brain is functioning slowly.

I know I’m not alone in learning and realizing that motherhood is hard (duh) but I honestly want to know how everyone copes with the 24/7 CONSTANT NOISE that goes on in your minds. (Is that just me? Does everyone have that?) It’s as though there is a radio blasting inside my brain all. of. the. time. And while sometimes this allows me to get a lot done because of the always rolling list of things I have to do, keep track of or pay attention to in a day, often it can be very impairing to my ability to carry conversations, sleep, exist in the world that keeps spinning outside of the baby vortex. I’m finding that in order to relieve the noise in my head I’m escaping into anything that my mind has to be 0% active for (insert my Hill’s pregnancy binge & getting incredibly over-invested in youtube here). I don’t advise doing this,

If you’re reading this and think “eesh, this really sounds like a cry for help”, it is. KIDDING (I’m not kidding). I don’t have answers on what will make it better – maybe honestly this is just me now. Forever destined to be slightly distracted by the talk radio show going on in my brain. Maybe I’ll just get used to it at some point – but if anyone has any insight into how to periodically turn down the volume THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

What I do know is more and more I’m enjoying having this outlet to be able to ‘speak my truth’, hopefully find some other moms who can relate and we can all support each other because that legitimately is what it’s all about in the end. None of us know what we’re doing so we might as well try and figure it out as a group.

Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.


One Comment

  • Mandy

    Yes, yes, & yes! This is VERY good to be talking about openly. Kudos Hollie <3
    I feel like this is honestly why we loose our cool and flip our lid, especially as our kids grow up.. I find I have all this chatter going on in my head, as well, so add in 4 kids to the mix and BOOM… brain goes into overwhelm fairly easy.
    Best advice I can give is to take as many opportunities as humanly possible to have some time to yourself.. even if you feel too tired to do it.. even just sitting in a coffee shop for 1 hour by yourself while Derek stays with the boys or go for a 1 hour hike around our local park. It really helps to clear the mind and reset.

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